Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Naked New Year

December 31, 1998: (Names changed to protect the guilty ;-)

            Being a homebody with no social skills to speak of has its disadvantages when it comes to New Year’s Eve invites. Dick Clark aside, I had nothing to do.  See, I was one of the boring, brainy, Start Trek watching clever people with a great deal of emotional turmoil thrown in the mix. One thing about the teenage hierarchy, if you are unlikely to strip on the tabletop, the invitations thin out.
            Hey, even drama queens need love.
            So my friend Karen announced we were going to a club. And she decided to bring her mentally ill friend, Juan, along for the ride.  With all the elements of a great night in place, we piled into my two-door red Honda civic— the Flaming Moe— and were off.  Juan was fully equipped with a bottle of peppermint schnapps and Karen had big plans to get trashed out of her little blonde head, so I was DD.
            And that my friends, is where good sense bailed for the night.
            Well, being the little overachievers that we were, we made it to downtown Poughkeepsie about two hours before anyone else.  Juan settled his goofy ass out in the parking lot with his schnapps and we girls moseyed into the club. We listened to some techno and chained smoked for about an hour before Juan made the scene, and then he partied out on the dance floor, all alone, while we smoked and snarked.
            Yeah, I know, I'm going to hell.
            Eventually other people started to show, and we decided to dance. Being girls, we could dance with each other, no questions asked. I was content to do that, figuring my soul mate wasn't into the techno scene. I'm more a metal gal at heart. But this one guy kept bumping and grinding his way in between us.  It could have been the atmosphere, but it seemed like this guy had eight arms, because whenever I pulled one off my ass, two more took its place.
            I wiggled my way into the corner, leaving Karen at the mercy of grabby octopus. Juan was face down in our booth, partied out by 9:43.  He probably shouldn't have finished the whole frigging bottle; I doubt it mixed well with his antipsychotic meds.
             Karen and the grabby octopus sashayed over.
            "Hey, this guy's having a party at his place, wanna go?"
            "What about Juan?" I stalled.  I really didn't want to go home with some guy and see his bowl of severed fingers. If there's a lunatic in a five mile radius, he'll sense a kindred spirit and zero in on me.
            But Karen insisted, mostly because grabby octopus had bribed her with thoughts of a well stocked bar.
            So we dragged Juan and tossed him into Moe and the whole way down route nine, we're making contingency plans.
            "So, okay, if these guys seem off, we'll fake the Technicolor yawn and bee-line for the stairs."
            "And we do have a guy with us." Karen pointed to Juan who was drooling on my upholstery.
            Yup. That was the plan. 
            We parked, shook Juan awake and trundled upstairs.
            So we get to this apartment and follow the grabby octopus and his silent side-kick upstairs. There were three other people, but they made enough noise for twenty. Grabby announces he's a bartender and he keeps his place well stocked, so he can practice his trade on his roommates.
            His roommates turn out to be this hyper little bleach blonde, who could not shut up, and her boyfriend, who wasn't able to do more than grunt, and another guy, who was practically salivating over Karen. The radio was cranking and apparently that was enough to give Juan his second wind.  He was up and grooving while Miss Hyper USA cheered and the no-neck guy glowered.
            "How about some sex on the beach?"  Grabby had latched onto me, doing a very repulsive eyebrow wiggle. I was practically intoxicated by the fumes coming off of him.
            "I'm good."  I smiled thinly and handed the drink to Juan.
           "Hey guys!  Let's play the mug game!"  The blonde shrieked at us and all the guys, including Juan, start chanting, "mug, mug, mug."
            I cut my gaze to Karen, who was busy tossing back beers. The only other person in the room was Mr. Taciturn, who hadn't said a thing.
            "What's the mug game?" I asked him.  I'd led a somewhat repressed life and there are some things I just don't know, I figured the mug game was one of the holes in my social knowledge.
            "It's this game Bryan made up."
            I had no idea who Bryan was, but the game consisted of a bunch of little pieces of paper folded in half with instructions on them. The mug was passed around, and we each picked a paper. 
            The quite guy next to me started.  "Name your favorite sexual position." He looked up.  "Well I don't know what it's called…"
            Three sets of hands lunge for the coffee table and whip out the largest version of the Karma Sutra I'd ever seen. It was bigger than the 22 inch TV.
             Mr. Taciturn flips through, points to his fave (Congress of Crow) and then it's my turn.
            So there I sat, thinking, Hey, this isn't so bad. There's been no blood shed, everyone else is drunk, but they're all happy drunk, what the hell? And I open my little scrap of paper.
            "Masturbate with a beer bottle." I read.  I started sputtering.
            "Ooooohhhhhhh Angie!"
            "Don't worry," Mr. Taciturn was the only one who noticed I'd lost the smidgen of color I usually had. "Only Angie has to do this one."
            Angie, the bubbly blonde, staggered into the kitchen to rinse a beer bottle.
            "She's really gonna do this?" Karen was almost through a six pack and I could see she was looking forward to the upcoming entertainment.
            I was pretty sure I wasn't and my face showed it.
            "What's the matter, girl?" Grabby Octopus slurred at me. "There ain't nothing wrong with the human body."
            And to prove his point he started stripping.  Before you could say Caligula, everyone else, including the traitorous Juan, joined him.
            I'm not a prude.  I am, however full of inhibitions and getting naked with a group of strangers is not my idea of a rockin’ time.  Someone could at least buy me dinner first.
            So there's little old sober and fully clothed  me, slightly less sober Mr. Taciturn, who had thankfully left his pants on, Juan with one holey sock on his left foot, and drunk and naked everyone else.  
            A lesser woman would have run.  A smarter woman wouldn't have ended up there in the first place. I sat there biting my lip and smoking like there was no tomorrow. 
            Angie returned with her sanitized beer bottle, but the clock struck midnight and the radio announced 1999 and started blaring Prince's 1999. Everyone was on his or her feet, naked and moshing. The beer bottle was knocked over in all the excitement and smashed to the floor. The blonde started to cry and her boyfriend shouted at her.  I think it must have been Divine intervention.
             Karen had vanished with the guy who'd been lusting over her so I fixed my attention on Juan's one sock.  I was tempted to ask him about it, but I was worried he'd put it somewhere else. Angie and her boyfriend disappeared into a bedroom, probably to have wild monkey sex.
            The song ended and the coaxing started.  Let me tell you, if you've never been the only person dressed in a room full of the nude and inebriated, there is a major push to conform.  Grabby Octopus ushered me into the kitchen and proceeded to stick his tongue down my throat. A moment later, he rushed for the bathroom.  Not my finest hour. 
            Karen, who was down to just an unbuttoned flannel shirt, was evicted from the bathroom with a goofy grin.  "I love you, Jenna."
            I really fucking hate when someone tells me they love me when they're drunk and I'm sober.  It usually means I have hours of grief and baby-sitting ahead of me. 
            "Why aren't you naked?" Karen seemed genuinely surprised.  I may have been in Rome but the Romans could kiss my fully covered backside. I blew air between my teeth before lighting another smoke.
            Juan was passed out yet again and Karen was atypically quite. I'd sought out Mr. Taciturn, since he was at least semi-sober and tried to talk with him, about anything that didn't involve the words naked and drunk.  Unfortunately, Grabby Octopus had other ideas.  Before I knew what had happened, he made his presence known by standing on the coffee table, beating his chest and overtly challenging Mr. Taciturn.
            I gathered my wayward chicks and their discarded feathers, and beat a hasty retreat. There was a crash and a thump as we hit the landing.
            "Oh my God," Karen was coming around. "Oh my God!"
            I shoved Juan into the backseat, threw a pile of clothes on top of him and roared off down route nine.
            "Those guys just got in a fight!" Karen eyes were bloodshot.  "They got in a fight, over you!"
            "No they didn't."  My voice sounded so calm.  "They got in a fight because they were idiots."
            Karen turned to look out the windshield. "We will never speak of this night again."
But of course, we told everyone. Hey, it’s a good story.
So that was my wildest night evah! Probably the night that inspired my book, No Limits. Because although I have very obvious limits, I always wondered what it would be like to have none, to just go with the flow, wherever it might take you. 
One random commenter will win a copy of my futuristic erotic romance, No Limits.
This blog is part of the New Year Blog Hop Grand Prize is a Kindle Fire! Second Prize to another winner is an $80.00 Amazon Gift Card! Winner for the copy of No Limits will be announced tomorrow here on the No Limits blog. Be sure to leave your email address in the comments. Links to other blogs participating in the New Year Blog Hop below. Best of luck and happy new year!


  1. my new year memory is barbeque with family and see the firework in night sky ;)

  2. I'm trying to separate fact from fiction here. I think I will give up & just enjoy the ride.

    My New Years are mild by comparison. A few drinks & fireworks.


  3. Never had any night like that one. My New Year's memories are sedate, sitting at home watching the fireworks off the the Space Needle.
    linze_e at

  4. My New Years memories are nothing like yours mine are usually spent at home with my family.
    sstrode at scrtc dot com

  5. Now that is a very memorable NYE night! I love it ;) Mine is not that memorable since I have spent it with the family, just chatting, watching tv, eating snacks, really good times anyway!


  6. Eli, that sounds like a good way to celebrate.

  7. Pippa, I have been known to do that on occasion.

  8. I can honestly say, I have never been to the naked New Years party. I'm thinking that is a good thing.


  9. Marybelle, for this one post, everything but the names are real.

  10. lindseye, that sounds much more fun to me!

  11. Sherry, that was the first and last outrageous New Year's Eve I ever spent. Before I spent the night with my Nana and now it's my husband's birthday so we go the snack and wine route.

  12. Eva's Flower's, that's my standard MO these days. Nothing wrong with that, though I could have lived without Jenny MccCarthy on Rockin' Eve this year.

  13. Great story Jenna!(i got a couple of looks at the office for laughing out loud!) My best NYE was just last weekend, hanging out with my 7 year old watching scary movies, he had me laughing so hard over stupid stuff that we were both running for the bathroom trying not to wet ourselves all night!!! Happy New Year!

  14. Lisa J, It IS a good thing. And you don't need therapy afterwards. Trust me, if I'd known what was in store I would have settled for the evening with Dick Clark.

  15. taterbug, that sounds like a blast. To live Naked New Year was horrifying but it makes a mighty fine story!

  16. Lol Jenna! That's hilarious! (of course I can say this since it didn't happen to me). Most of my New Years Eve have been very sedate, and at home.

    ringpop2010 at gmail dot com

  17. I spent that same NYE at the Hungry Iguana on Little Cayman, drinking with two 23 yr old guys. No nakedness was involved, but enough alcohol was consumed to make the next morning on the dive boat rough!

  18. This is hilarious! Great story. Ahh, but is it true? Us Star Trek geek girls can party it up sometimes too!

  19. This is why I stay home. Makes a great story though later.

  20. A room full of naked people would make me nervous! I usually stay home with family, eat lots of junk food, and light fireworks at midnight. :)

  21. Futuristic erotic sounds awesome. Happy new year!

    mihoxli at gmail dot com

  22. A nice blend of a good ole time on the town with some surreal moments. That Grabby Octopus man-thing has got to go! :)


  23. I'm astounded at your courage for sticking it out. A room full of mostly naked people? Not my thing either. I would have headed out that door, dragging my friends by the hair if I had to. richnkathy718 (at) msn (dot) com

  24. I love Star Trek and your book sounds awesome. Thanks for the giveaway. This New Years I had to keep all my clothes on as I was at work
    teressaoliver at gmail dot com

  25. Maria, that's typically how my New Year's events roll too! Just not 1999!

  26. Gail, hmm, now why does that set up sound familiar? ;-)Thanks for stopping by!

  27. Kaye, totally true, and I have the therapy bills to prove it!

  28. Anne, you are a wiser woman than I am!

  29. diannehartsock, yeah, nervous and slightly ill describes my feelings about the incident pretty well!

  30. Na, you know what the absolute worst part about Grabby Octopus was? I saw him at the mall a couple of weeks later and he didn't even recognize me! Dude had been naked AND willing to fight over me and I didn't even rate a blip on his radar.

  31. Kathryn, I think I kept hoping to wake up. Wild naked parties might sound like a good time but in reality, not so much.

  32. Teressa Oliver, Well not every year can be Naked New Year!

  33. I enjoy New Years having drinks with my friends & my hubby.. and I mean a lot of drinks ;) then munchin on late night pizza that is completely unhealthy!! Great way to ring in a New Year.. eating & drinking completely unhealthy haha Happy New Year


  34. damn, ur on the same bus to hell that im on! its a good thing im not a writer or id have to tell a story..and that aint happenin! LOL

    yankeedragon4 at gmail dotcom

  35. Yes Jenna, that incident was the starting point for the ms you proofread about three times, but believe me, the fictional version is a lot more interesting than what really happened. ;-)

  36. Heather, at least we know the trip won't be boring!

  37. Any new year spent with family or friends is the best. ones without resolutions are just cake.
    wocaworld @

  38. Oh my gosh, that is hilarious. And yes even though you say you won't speak of it again, it has to be told. I like quiet New Years evenings at home with the husband and dog. All the best in 2012!

    skpetal at hotmail dot com

  39. Thanks for the chance to win, and for the post ;)!

  40. Oh my lord, that was hilarious, Jenna. I'm not much of a party girl. Love snuggling on the couch with my hubby watching a fun movie.

    caity_mack at yahoo dot com

  41. Wow! LOL I had envisioned a whole 'nother ending to that, but put that off to watching Criminal Minds obsessively! Glad y'all made it out alive, even though slightly scarred.

    Thanks for the giveaway opportunity! Your book sounds great!

    May God bless,
    Trisha Wilson

  42. OMG, what a night. I don't have any that compare. I spend NYE with family at home. This year it was with my sister and 2 of her kids, watching a zombie marathon on TV.
    manning_j2004 at yahoo dot com

  43. My gosh, girl, you have me LMAO so hard! That is quite the story! Being as you are a new to me author, you are on the top of my TBR list right now!!

    Thank you so much for sharing that, and for participating in this hop. AND for the giveaway chance too =)

    I hope 2012 brings you every happiness and great opportunity!

    Gena Robertson

  44. Holy Hell! What an insane story. I'm not a party girl at all so I would have been freaking out. It is a good story though. LOL

    geishasmom73 AT yahoo DOT com

  45. Well my birthdays New Years eve so I could tell tons of stories from that! LOL But one of my most memorable would probably have to be last year just for how funny it was. My friend was 9months pregnant. Due any time and she decided that she wanted to play 'Just Dance' on my wii. So she seriously got into it. It was insane watching her dance with her big belly. I have it on video. Probably the funniest thing I've ever seen. :) Thanks!

  46. Jean P, yeah, I was 20 and didn't realize at the time that would turn out to be one of my best stories.

  47. Savannah, Thank you for stopping by!

  48. Cathy M, yeah, I'm a total introvert but every once in a while I like to break out of my mold and that's usually when shit hits the fan.

  49. Trisha, I know what you mean. My other persona, Jennifer L Hart writes mysteries and my brain turns down those dead end alley ways too!

  50. June M. Zombie marathon sounds like a blast! Happy New Year!

  51. Gena,
    Thanks so much! I'm glad you enjoyed the post.

  52. StacieD, it is my BEST story to date, and it all started out with me and my friend being morons. LOL!

  53. VampedChik, My husband is a New Year's Eve baby too. He likes to regale us with stories of how he'd get free drinks in any and every bar on New Year's eve.

  54. My birthday is NYE and one of my sisters is NYD so we have a combined birthday party at midnight.
    snulfers at hotmail dot com

  55. WOOOOT, great memory!i don't like celebrate that much, so I usually have dinner with friends, but I loved NY when I was a kid because i could stay up late, sip champagne and watch fireworks!

    aliasgirl at libero dot it

  56. I don't celebrate the new years much but when I do I like to spend it with my friends and family.

  57. Thanks for sharing. I'm sorry to laugh at your misfortune but that was hysterical. I usually just stay home and celebrate with family. Nothing big.


  58. Too funny!

    Thanks for the giveaway and have a Happy New Year!

    elizabeth @ bookattict . com

  59. Great memory! Thank you for sharing! This new years was my favorite. My family stayed home and watched movies. We had tons of fun! We ate snacks and toasted the new year. It was great! Happy new year!

  60. We usually stay home & play cards or some other game. Thanks for the giveaway! Gloria

    geschumann at live dot com

  61. My mom would make shirley temples and snacks for new years eve celebration- loved it!


  62. My mom always made pumpkin roll and cheeseball and the kids would fight over them both. :)


  63. Shooting champagne out of my nose the first time I accidentally tasted it when I was 10! Thanks for being part of the blog hop! Happy New Year!

  64. Mom always made food. Lots of food. And confetti.

    Happy New Year! Hey, I adore your header graphics. Gorgeous pic.

    doxisrcool (at) aol (dot) com

  65. I hope your mother doesn't read that. LOL!
    Happy 2012.
    mcv111 at hotmail(dot)com

  66. That was awesome!!!! I have no memories as exciting as that! Some are darn good, yes. But that was just incredible. Thanks for sharing!!

  67. HOW did you end up in the situation? You were lucky to leave with your dignity...and your clothes! LOL.


  68. My favorite NYE memory is the one I spend with my now husband. We went out with my best friend and her (then) husband. It was horrible. They fought the whole night but at one point during all that craziness he leaned over and told me that he loved me.
    Thanks for the great giveaway!

    areeths at new dot rr dot com

  69. Great story.thanks for sharing

  70. I always thought I'd had some wild NYEs...until I read your story. Oh yeah, you win. Hands down. Whatta story! I think I OMGed as much as I LOLed.

  71. Thanks for sharing your story! I stayed home with my mom and watched movies this new years eve! Thank you so much for taking part in this fun Blog Hop! Great giveaway and Happy New Year Too you!
    Latisha D

  72. My favorite New Year's memory is when I was around 7 year's old and my best friend and I stayed up through the New Year all the way up until around 4am. We were the happiest 7 year old's ever! Our parents were too wasted to even notice! lol

  73. story ever! Still laughing! :)
    We usually spend the evening inside with family and friends, lots of good eats...playing cards (poker) and listening to music until the ball's about to drop. Then the wine is poured, toasts made, kisses shared...and then the party usually continues for a little while longer. Those that drank a little too much, or came without a designated driver snuggle in for the night...that's just how we play. Better safe than sorry. :) Happy 2012!

  74. There is no way I can compete with that story. Hats off to you. I think we may have been soulmates in a past life. I love your sense of humor. I partied like it was 1999 from 1989 'till I got married in 2000. But seriously, I hope you have a Happy New Year and if you ever get bored and want to talk to someone, I'm all ears. I wqould love to hear some more of your stories. Thanks again.

  75. Greeeeeat story, lovely inspiration! lol


  76. Wow, that was some night. There's always that one friend who lives on the wild side that we can live vicariously (and safely) through. Sounds like your friend might have been that wild child. :)

  77. Wow that was one crazy night, but at least it's something you'll always remember.


  78. greatt story ty for sharinga nd ur book sounds awesome

    my new yrs r pretty much all the same vegging inf ornt of the tv with loved ones its fun and safe this year iw as sick

    ty for the chance


  79. What a memory! I can't think of a thing now! LOL!! Happy New Year!

  80. I loved your New Year's story. Mine are dull compared to that.


  81. Oh wow, now that was one helluva post ahaha. Hope you and yours have a wonderful and safe new years!

  82. OMG that was AMAZING!! What a hoot!! And No Limits looks wonderful!

    Happy New Year to you and yours!

    thewildtwo @ sbcglobal (dot) net

  83. What a

    My best NYE - We had a party for our friends and family. We could see the high school fireworks from our backyard. We all had a great time being together. Almost all the food was gone and the drinks...well there weren't any Those who needed to spend the night found a piece of floor and blankets and we had breakfast the next morning...some not so much LOL

    Great Blog Hop. Hope you will blog at KP sometime.

    Mary Keith

  84. thank you for the chance at such a great giveaway.
    my favorite memory is the year my husband asked me to marry him.

    tammy ramey

  85. Love the look of your blog. This is so fun.

    Pamela Jo

  86. My family parties at home with lots of good food and we watch the ball drop in Times Square.

    Thank you for the wonderful contest.

    I hope you have a very prosperous New Year.

    orelukjp0 at gmail dot com